I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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