Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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