before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
