I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
