You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
