I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
