You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
