I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
