I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
