how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
