I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
