I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
