I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
