Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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