I skipped work to stalk him.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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