Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you inspire me to be a worse person
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
