Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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