I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
