I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
