Swine flu. Run for my life!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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