My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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