I think I died a long time ago.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
