I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
