I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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