So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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