If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
