I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
