May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
