Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
