I will die if light touches me.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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