dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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