the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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