Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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