Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
