Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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