the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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