A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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