i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
