I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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