i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
