I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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