Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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