dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
