the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
