So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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