my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
