i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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