mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
