Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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