In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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