he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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