happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
