every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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