I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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