I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
