I feel great
I just peed on a car
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
