When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
where are you?
Hypothermia
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
