my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
