Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
